The sweat from his forehead, drips into my eyes. Momentarily blurring my vision. I wipe my eyes as I keep them fixated on the teddy bear charm hanging as it hangs upside down from my anklet. The whiff of his breath grazes my neck. His rhythmic grunts match his angry thrusts as he goes deeper and deeper inside my womb.
My legs start to ache as he pushes them back to my chest. I fix my eyes to the charm again as it dance against my skin, taking my attention from the painful thrusts.
My mind wanders back to the times when his loving was sweet, his conversations were gentle like his touch. Now his conversation is as rough as his love and his touch.
My dryness only heightens his anger. Maybe, just maybe he will stop…eyes fixated to my ankle. Dance Teddy Bear Dance…it will be over soon…
I watch….I watch as the charm continues to dance to his thrusts.
I listen for his quicken breathe, feel for the race of his heart…waiting waiting waiting. Waiting for the release of his anger. Until next time…..Charmed

To be continued

It is now 10 pm, I’m sitting in bed on my laptop with my daughter sleeping peacefully beside me.  This blog is suppose to be a therapeutic release for me. An avenue to express myself and my feelings. I’m not really sure who will see this or if it is just for my eyes.

You see I am a  46 year old  divorced woman with a toddler. My divorce is fairly new. I’ve gone thru the grieving process of dealing with the loss of my marriage. I’m dealing with the feelings of inadequacy, failure, low self esteem, self loathing, etc. The one emotion I can’t get past is the feeling of  guilt. I carry the guilt of breaking up my daughter’s home. She is the one that is suffering the most. She does not deserve this, this isn’t what she asked for. So I carry it every day, every where I go.

Guilt…..is what I carry in my heart.

I’m on the road to self discovery. Trying to see myself with new eyes. I’m trying to see my self that God the Most High sees me.

I’m slowly getting myself together.  I’m taking one day at a time, setting goals, spending time with loved ones, ignoring negative people, loving on my baby and most importantly when those negative feelings start to surface, I take a deep breath and just let go. I take a deep breathe and try and reflect on all the good that is in my life.

Please be patient with me. There is more to come as I embark on this journey of self discovery.

~Happiness is not a destination but a journey~

K.

Thanks for joining me!

My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style. Maya Angelou